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HUMOR 
Filter: THE ONION
As part of CEO Marissa Mayer’s strategy to expand the company’s social and mobile presence and attract younger users, Yahoo will purchase the popular blogging service Tumblr for...
NEW YORK—Confirming months of speculation, developers at Rockstar Games revealed today that the missions in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto V video game will largely revolve around the...
ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you on your flight from Los...
BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to who was to blame for...
NORFOLK, VA—Though she hasn’t spoken with him since they were both employees of American Mutual Insurance back in 2008, local woman Rebecca Pittman, 30, said Thursday that her...
Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist Send one resume out and wait at least one year to hear back Remember to...
Villainous Syllabus
Week In Pictures – Week Of May 20, 2013
According to a new study, individuals who struggle with mathematics saw a notable increase in their ability to learn and retain arithmetic concepts when a mild current was sent into their...
ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that...
Danica Patrick Takes Last Place In Preakness Stakes
WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re...
BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave Mooreland, 31,...
HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that an incoming call she is currently...
CLEVELAND—Claiming they want to impose their will against the competition, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski announced Friday that the team is gearing up to aggressively punt...
With Sergio Garcia plummeting from first place to a seven-way tie for eighth at the Players Championship last weekend, Onion Sports examines some of the worst chokes in the history of...
PALATINE, IL—During a tennis tournament hosted by Fremd High School, spectators, coaches, and fellow competitors agreed Thursday that the massive gulf in skill levels between...
WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if he really wanted to, he...
Getting That Perfect Souffle In A World Of Uncertainty And Pain
Government mismanagement has left toilet paper in short supply in Venezuela, causing long lines to form throughout the country to purchase the rapidly dwindling item, and prompting...
